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Sunday, February 26, 2012

I am avoiding research statistics homework...

I realize apologies are in order. I have not posted in months! I'm so sorry. However, as you are about to find out, I have good reason.

I. Am. Exhausted.



There. I said it. I am exhausted in body, mind and soul. I thought signing up for grad school would help me feel more confident and give me direction, give my life some purpose. And it has, but it's also brought all kinds of new experiences and triggers. Not to mention the triggers in my personal life that just appeared seemingly out of thin air.

So, as it turns out, someone in our social circle is marrying into the family of the man who molested me as a child, my former minister. Who I haven't seen in many years. And who now lives several states away. Which led me to think I could finally relax. Ha! I should have known better. So, just when I start getting my adult self together and think I am finally FINALLY doing well and doing what an adult should do, acting all responsible and shit - not even taking one sick day from class because of the fibro, I might add - WHAM! And I'm not talking about the 80's pop group which spawned George Michael's musical career. I'm still quite fond of that first album. But I digress...

WHAM! *sirens* Sexual abuse survivor shit through the roof.

My winter break was beyond awful. I was so stressed out that my fibro went into full flare (still dealing with that), I cried hysterically for a month straight, and then there was the return of nightmares, panic attacks, and having to rely on anti-anxiety meds to get through most days. All while trying to catch up with school work that I had missed because I was busy freaking out. I finished one course and took 2 incompletes for my first semester of graduate school. You know, the semester where they try to weed out the ones who don't belong there? I was constantly thinking they would kick me out at any moment. And of course I was too scared to talk to the professors about it because (gasp!) that would only make me look less competent and feed into their decision to kick me the fuck out.

I am more calm these days. I have completed the course work for the 2 incompletes I took for last semester, and received decent grades (A, A-, and A-). Although in MY warped little brain those 2 A-'s should be A's and WTF is wrong with me that they aren't??

My therapist loves me, I keep her employed.

I think I'm doing better... I'm not crying all the time, and I am not as reliant on the meds as I was a month ago. I'm slowly re-entering the world. I have started conversing with the professors about my struggles, they seem to be supportive. But I do still sleep a lot and live in my pajamas most days. I am not eating well, am not abstaining from alcohol or sugar, and the diabetes continues to be an issue. HOWEVER, I have NOT had one cigarette through this whole ordeal! NOT ONE! You can't imagine how big a deal this is for me. I quit 15 months ago and I remain nicotine free. Believe me , there were days when I wanted to smoke a whole pack, but I'm just not willing to go there again. I worked too hard. And I've come to really enjoy the breathing thing.

Also, Oaky is wonderful. He has been so supportive through everything. Some days, his love is the only thing keeping me going. I am blessed. And I have amazing friends who understand me and are right there with me whenever I need them. Not everyone can say that. Still, some days I would like to curl into a ball and hide away from the world. I usually choose to do the opposite, though, so I guess that means I am doing ok.

2 comments:

  1. You are a beautiful strong amazing woman!!! I am so proud of you on the non-smoking that is a huge accomplishment! I am proud of you!!!
    You are doing something amazing for you and you are an incredible friend. Please never forget that. We are here for each other and the support that we create is unbreakable.

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  2. Thank you! I'm proud of you, too, hun. You are an inspiration - you jump out of mother effing planes, lady! WHAT? I could never do that - you are amazing. Everyone needs at least one crazy-brave-enough-to-go-sky-diving friend. You are mine. :) And you know what? We rock.

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