Aug. 15, 2011
I have been avoiding writing. This is what I do when there is something lolling around in my brain that I need to work on but don't want to because it's too scary. So basically the times I should be writing are the times I avoid it. Right. Ok, I take back the should - that's all judgey and I am trying to not do that with myself.
So. This is the thing. I've invited "anonymous family member" to my therapy session this week in hopes of discussing some past hurts. And present ones, too, I guess. Crap. This really sucks.
I need to hear him say things like "I believe you" and "It wasn't your fault" and "I'm sorry". But I don't know if that will happen and I have to prepare myself for the worst. Which, I suppose, is him saying the opposite of those things (the message I've been internalizing my entire life). I am afraid he'll do the whole therapisty thing and act like he's always been sympathetic and supportive and yada yada, but I already warned my therapist about this. She said she'll be on the lookout for this and keep the conversation centered around my feelings. Whew. Cuz I really don't know how to do that. I mean I do, just when I'm with him all those skills seem to fly out the window and I am five years old again. I fucking hate that.
Things I want to ask/say/hear:
- how could you not have known what E was doing to me?
- why didn't you jump up and want to go kill E when I told you what he did?
- did you not believe me?
- do you believe me now?
- how could you blame me for what D did to me?
- I needed you and you totally let me down.
- I have lived my entire life in fear of the next bad thing happening, the next person leaving me, the good things being taken away.
- I never felt that I mattered to you except as a reflection of you.
- why did you keep leaving?
- what made you think that it was ok to leave?
- I still expect people to leave.
- I still expect you to leave.
- I find it extremely difficult to believe that men are capable of love.
- I expect men to lie, cheat, leave, etc.
- I don't trust anyone 100%.
- I need to know that it sickens you what happened to me. That you're sorry. That you would do it all differently if you could go back.
- I heard E tell you I was a liar and a drama queen and that I wasn't to be trusted. And that's how I felt I was treated by you. So I thought that's what I was. Vicious cycle.
- I don't know how many time E abused me - more than a few - but I lived with the fear of it happening again every day for years. Every day I was terrified.
- I thought you didn't care about me.
- E said that it was my fault because I was female and an agent of the devil.
- E also said that nothing happened right after it had happened. I learned to not trust my own senses because they must be lying to me.
- E said that if I told, my mommy and daddy wouldn't love me anymore, that they would leave me.
- In 5th grade i was getting ready to tell my teacher about the abuse, working my way up to it, and that's when you left. I thought E's words came true. My wanting to tell caused you to leave. So I buried it deep. So deep I had no memory of it for 5 or 6 years. I still recover little bits every now and then.
- When I told you about D you blamed me. Years later when I wanted to talk about it again you still blamed me for getting in the car with him, going to the place with him. You're words were, "well, what did you expect?" That hurt like a punch in the gut.
- I wanted you to get angry and stand up for me and tell me I would be safe and you would protect me. But instead you blamed me.
Well, we had the session. And I am still blown away by how well it went. I did not address everything on the list - let's face it, that was a long list and I know I even left out a few things. However, I hit the most pressing points. The most amazing thing? All the things I've been wanting to hear my entire life, he said them. And they were sincere. I know they were, I could feel it. Now, I don't know if he's ever tried to say these things before and I just wasn't ready/able to hear them, or if he just wasn't ready to say them. But whatever the case may be we both were obviously in that magical space together at the same time this week and it worked. I still feel mentally exhausted, though. And I've been eating sugary things, which, while yummy, are very bad for me and I need to get a handle on how my sugar/food addiction effects my diabetes. I guess that's for next week's therapy session.