Thursday, March 10, 2011

Survivors are like Ogres... complicated, with layers, like an onion...

Being a survivor sometimes sucks. Hitting another layer of the onion that is my trauma seems to be my perpetual work. Mistakenly, I am always under the impression that this layer is the last and I'll be done with things for good and now I'm cured, Yay! And I'm always surprised when I hit another layer and have a meltdown.

The realization I had last night (that really pissed me off) was that the man who raped me almost 20 years ago probably has no memory of me or what he did to me, or if he does, no awareness of how horrible a thing it was that he did. He's risen the ranks in the military, has had what looks to be a successful life and career... Meanwhile, I have had panic/anxiety/depression/PTSD issues, been in and out of therapy, off and on medications, struggled with not blaming myself (because we always seem to blame ourselves for what happens to us), and have generally had a very hard time struggling day to day with living a "Normal" life. I have been unemployed for years, collecting disability because of my emotional and physical struggles, while he enjoys a life of recognition and achievement. He has probably not thought about it since it happened, yet I can't forget about it no matter how hard I try. It's not fair. Not by any means.

1 comment:

  1. More then not fair, it is a travesty that you and so many survivors (perhaps even me) have to carry this burden on top of everything else. Our abusers steal part of us, and getting that part back, if even possible, is a difficult process to say the least.