Saturday, March 19, 2011

**NSFW** You may not want to read this at all: gynecolgical & mental health

I'm done. Seriously. I have had it with this mysterious "female problem" that the doctors can't seem to figure out. Ultrasound was clear, no ovarian cysts, tests all coming back normal. And yet, in 2 months, I only had about a week of pain-free, no bleeding, regular activity before round 2 started. When you have to sit on an ice pack just so you don't feel like crawling out of your own body because your cooter can't stop spasming, cramping, bleeding, and generally feeling like it's being stabbed with knives, well, I think you're beginning to get the picture. It's not fun. And it's not a socially acceptable topic of conversation, the way a cold or flu is. I had to cancel on my friends at the last minute tonight because round 2 was in full effect and I couldn't even drive home from Oaky's house, never mind drive to visit with my peeps. I was torn, should I just go because they are expecting me and if I cancel, well what the hell do I say to them? "I'm sorry, friends, but my vagina feels like it's being murdered so I'll be on the couch all evening with the ice pack down my pants." How would that go over? Probably not so well. In the end I opted for a more delicate and PC approach. Something to the effect of "My lady parts are in disarray and the docs don't know why and i'm in pain so i won't be there. Sorry." I hope they understand. And I hope I feel better soon so I can see them again because this is getting to be really fucking annoying. I've missed out on a lot friend/family functions - didn't even get to celebrate my birthday with my family yet and that was a month and a half ago.
And of course the experience wouldn't be complete without the anxiety getting triggered. This kind of pain is horrendous for any woman, but especially for those with sexual trauma histories... let's just say I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. The pain goes away and I am ecstatic and I can move - then it comes back and I turn into a basketcase because it physically reminds me of traumatic incidences in my past.Yay PTSD. So it's not just physical pain I am fighting here (which believe me is MORE than enough, TYVM), but emotional pain of a scab that keeps getting picked at. It's really fucking with my tolerance and sanity right now.
I feel like a leper. No one talks about these things and so I feel like I'm supposed to suffer in silence. Well, fuck that. I've been there & done that and no good comes of it. Tonight I pull out the megaphone and proclaim to all my friends and family - I HAVE A BROKEN VAGINA, and if you can't understand that I can't make it to every function, well than you can go suck eggs because with this level of pain I have a low threshold for dealing with idiots.


  1. Well Said.

    This reminds me of an Ani Difranco song called Swan Dive, here is the part of the lyrics that your post brings to mind:

    I teeter between tired
    And really, really tired
    I'm wiped and I'm wired
    But I guess that's just as well
    Cuz I've built my own empire
    Out of car tires and chicken wire
    And now I'm queen of my own compost heap
    And I'm getting used to the smell

    I've had a lack of information
    I've had a little revelation
    I'm climbing up on the railing
    Trying not to look down
    I'm going to do my best swan dive
    In the shark-infested waters
    I'm gonna pull out my tampon
    And start splashing around

    Cuz I don't care if they eat me alive
    I've got better things to do than survive

  2. I hate not being able to talk about lady part problems. The first day of my period is usually bad enough that I just want to tear someone to shreds with broken glass and I want the whole world to know that if I have to go to work and pretend I'm okay they're going to at least know I'm just pretending. I can't imagine what you're going through.

    And I'm extremely vexed that the doctors haven't figured out what it is. If one of your arms or legs was bleeding when it shouldn't be and spasming erratically, they'd make it a priority to get you back to normal functioning. This better not be an example of them blowing it off as nothing because it's "down there" and because you're a woman. I'll kick teeth in.

  3. Thanks, Angela! Solidarity, sister!
    Yeah it's really pissing me off that they're not giving me any answers. I've been doing research on the internets and have found a few possible answers - pudendal nerve damage/trapped nerve; myofascial trigger points around the pudendal nerve; and then there's good old vulvodynia, which doesn't really have any explanation, and none of these have anything to do with the bleeding... soooo... yeah. I'm still at a loss. They're calling it PCOS but the cysts aren't showing up on ultrasound. Very vexxing. I'm just going to cross my fingers that someone figures this out before I bleed to death. LOL